Where I Need To Be

As I sit here at work, blogging but shhhhh, I can't help but think, "Is this how things are supposed to be?".  I had always thought in my younger days that my life would be in a completely different place at this point.  I'd be married, who's to say first or second marriage, I'd definitely have kids and I'd be working at a job that fulfilled all the areas of my life that weren't complete by all the other wonderful things in my life.  I have none of the things in that last sentence but should I look at that as a failure?

Let's begin with the latter.  Today marks a year that I have been in my current job.  It was a big change for me coming from a family business in a small town.  Now, I'm working in an environment that, to say the least, can have it's "WTF" moments. As my friend and I ride the elevator up every morning, we look at each other and we know what the other is thinking, "We have got to develop an exit strategy.".  This isn't saying that the people that I work for and with are bad people.  Quite the contrary, actually.  Everyone is very nice.  Sure, in any big company you'll have your whiners and complainers, your under the bus throwers and your non-ownership people and this place is no different.  But I also have some people that are true team players and have your back and are genuinely concerned with the well being of those around them.  I have to look at this first job after my family's business closing as the weeds in my way before the beautiful garden oasis that will be my career.  That's how I get up everyday and make it to work.  That and knowing I can have some drinks afterward if the day goes down the toilet.

Marriage was one of those things that I just assumed I would do as life progressed.  It would occur naturally like the need for botox or my hatred for bad teeth.  All of my friends got married at one point and had kids, not necessarily in that order but it did happen.  Hell, some are on their second and third marriages.  Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of behind the scenes info on some marriages and I wouldn't want to be a part of that relationship but that's not to say that I don't want to get married.  The thing that concerns me at this point in the game, and it is a game, is that I've become so set in my ways that someone else is just going to throw a monkey wrench into my whole lifestyle.  I find that I get annoyed easily especially with stupidity.  I told a friend this weekend that I need someone who is smarter than me because I want to bring myself up not have to explain the "big words".  I do have one friend who, like me, has neither married nor has kids and he tells me that if our friends could do it all over again, they'd want our lives.  I can safely say that I don't believe that, at least not 100%.  They may trade their spouses but the one thing I do know is that 97% of my friends wouldn't trade their kids for anything and that, so far, is my biggest regret in life.

Even as a young child, I always saw myself as a mother.  Whatever stage in my life that I was passing through, I was maternal in some shape or form.  Whether it be babysitting as a preteen, taking care of a friend who had too much to drink as a young adult (this still goes on to this day), or having social functions to give everyone a chance to visit, I have always felt the need to do the things that a mother would do.  The one thing I haven't done is give birth or adopt.

I am aware of my age.  I say constantly that I feel 27 but my eggs would probably tell you a different story.  I also know that women are waiting until later in life to have children but in 2013 I'm going to be 40 and the clock is ticking while the eggs are dropping.  Just this week, two of my dear friends became grandmothers.  Besides the precious babies that came out of that deal I also got to give myself a cool name...wait for it....GRANDFRIEND!!!  I'm going to trademark that so no one steal it.  The fact of the matter is, I want my next title to be Mama.  I have a plan so stay tuned.

In the end, as I look back on the memories of where I thought I'd be at this stage in my life, I'm not where I thought I would be.  I could get depressed and feel sorry for myself and, believe me, I do...often.  But then I think, I may not be where I want to be but this is all about the roadtrip that I'm on.  I'm not going to say "journey" because I want to punch people in the face that say, "It's all about the journey".  I can't take a self-inflicted punch today but I digress.  As I was saying, I may not be where I want to be but maybe I'm where I need to be.  Things usually have a way of working out especially when we put our determination behind it.  I often see where people say, "I'm turning it over to God."  Don't you think God has enough to do?  I think that's the lazy way out.  God should be like the parent that gives you some help when you need it but wants you to learn to do things on your own and utilize the good things that He's taught you along the way.  He gave us free will for a reason.  So today, on the year anniversary of my job and the realization that time stops for no woman and I need to get my ducks in a row.  I'm not saying that I'm going to make some big changes so don't look for The Porch to close any time soon but I am saying that I'm going to start making things happen for myself.  Hopefully I will make God and myself happy.