I didn't fall down...I was attacking the ground.

I'm not gonna take credit for that title.  I saw it on Facebook and it reminded me of how I have a knack for losing my balance and eventually ending up on the ground.  And I'm also writing this for my friend, Dannielle, because she loves to see me fall and even initiates the falling.  As children, falling down is no biggy.  We fall, we scrape our knees, some adult puts something that burns like hell on it and we run along and play.  There's no embarrassment or the threat of a broken hip.  We were kids.  We had alot more to concern ourselves with than the slow kid in the herd that slowed the pack down by falling down all the time.  Now, we have the show Wipe Out and Youtube videos that are a constant stream of adults falling down and getting hurt and there's me laughing at their pain.  I guess I can laugh at it because it's happened to me so many times.  Here's a bit of my stumbling history for your enjoyment...

I come about falling down honestly.  My mother falls alot.  Back in the 80's, Dolly Parton came out with a fantastic song and movie called "9 to 5".  The fashion in this movie was big hair, tight dresses, panty hose and high heels.  My mother took this style to heart and wore it to her job as a bookkeeper at a local furniture store.  Some of her tasks during the day included walking to the bank and post office.  Now as some of you know, the sidewalks in Picayune aren't in the best of shape at the this current time.  They were in the same shape 25 years ago.  Walking in heels on a very unlevel surface can be tricky for even the most professional of fashionistas but Donna (my mom) did it everyday.  I don't know when the first fall happened, maybe going up the steps at the post office, maybe on the slanted sidewalk in front of First National Bank, who knows.  All I know is her constant stumbling taught her to keep an extra pair of panty hose and bandaids in her desk drawer.  She's lowered the height on the shoes she wears but I, sadly, have inherited the art of falling down.

It all started in a dance recital.  There I was, 5 years old, in my white tap shoes, dancing with a candy cane striped stick to Sammy Davis, Jr.'s "The Candy Man".  I'm still convinced that song is about drugs but I digress.  Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting in a straddle split still holding that candy cane dancing stick.  Crying.  Lucky for me, the dance teacher's brother took pity on me, walked out on stage and carried me off.  That memory still sticks in my mind.  Little did I know that I would be making many more memories as an adult than I did as a child.

Not surprisingly, some of my falls happen when adult beverages are involved and usually when I'm in the bathroom.  Here are a few of my experiences...One time at a daquairi shop, I fell backwards in the restroom while pulling up my pants.  Once the pants were up I got a little off balance.  Lucky for me the cinder block wall and my head broke my fall.  I came out looking like one of those cartoon characters with birds flying around my head.  Another time at my house, I was once again in the ladies' room when I got a little off balance.  This time I fell in the tub, taking down the shower curtain with me.  There I was, on my back like a turtle or beetle or something that that can't get off their back.  I just sat there till someone came to help me.  That one was in slow motion or at least it felt like it.  I often tell my friends I fall in the bathroom so much because I pull up my pants with such gusto so I can hurry back and enjoy the good times.  I should probably take out some of the excitement in my pottying practices.  Then there was the time that my friends and I decided to go to the casino but before we set off on our little adventure, we stopped by the creek to have some drinks.  Common sense is not always our strong suit.  Anyway, we had to walk down this hill to get there and as we all know, going down a hill isn't nearly as hard as going up the hill.  Once we decided we had been there long enough, we set off back up the hill.  Now there were two hills, I chose the more difficult one.  Needless to say, my efforts were futile.  I just could not make it up that hill.  I kept sliding down just to get back up and do it again.  Finally, a very strong friend of mine, dear sweet Tommy, pulled me up and we headed off.  It wasn't until we arrived at the casino that I realized that I looked like I had been rolling around in a dust bowl.  When I got out of the vehicle, Tommy beat my like a rug to get the dust off of me.  So much dust was flying that I looked like Pigpen from Charlie Brown.  That didn't stop me though, I walked in that casino like I was somebody.  And I left my mark in the form of a huge pile of dirt at the blackjack table.  Take that former Casino Magic now known as Hollywood Casino.  And in your face, Tequila, the lady (yes, lady, not liquor) who tried to cut me off.  More recently, I was out with some friends and we were literally one foot from the car and I took a tumble.  My friend, Debra, said it was the longest fall she'd ever seen.  My other friend, Dannielle, said she was sad that she didn't get to see the whole thing.  I've fallen down on my porch, in the yard, almost fell in a burning fire pit, on dance floors.  There's so many places that I've lost count.  When you're a little tipsy and fall down you're not that embarrassed.  It's when you're sober and you fall down that the humiliation starts to rain down on you like bulls#%t from a politician.

I have to say that I'm not prejudiced when it comes to falling.  I fall down drunk and I fall down sober.  As I mentioned above, when you fall as an adult, you have a tendency to get a little embarrassed.  Once, against my better judgement, I swept my wood floors with a little Pledge on the broom.  First mistake.  The second mistake was when I decided to wear socks.  As I'm breezing through the dining room into the living room, my foot hit a slick spot and down I went.  There was no one there to see me take this spill but there I was, sitting on the ground looking around to make sure no one saw me.  I did the same thing when I fell in the shower.  I know that I'm by myself but I still feel the need to take a look around to make sure no one witnessed my acts of pure grace.  It's when people see you, that's the bad part.  I, like my mother before me, have actually tripped going UP the stairs at the post office.  I try to leave the handicapped ramp open for the handicapped but apparently I need to use it.  There have been several times that I have tripped on the sidewalks but recovered with cat-like agility.  I have also been taken on "Little Ole Rides" by my dear friend Dannielle but she's only made me fall once.  If she attempts to take you on one of these rides, run, run fast.  Out of all my spills, trips and stumbles the worst that sticks out in my mind has to be one that occurred about 15 years ago.  I remember the outfit, it was an all black ensemble.  Big flowy pants and top made of that wrinkly material that was so popular over a decade ago.  I loved it because you never had to iron it.  Now when I say "flowy" pants, they had a super wide leg.  I literally could have fit three of me in those pants legs.  So, I was casually walking to the post office, crossing over East Canal and then it happened.  Those damned flowy pants got caught in my shoes and before I knew it I was face down on East Canal Street.  God was smiling on me that day because the light hadn't switched yet for me to get hit by crossing traffic but he was laughing at me because I looked like road kill.  I can remember these two guys sitting at the light with their window down and I believe their reactions were, "Oh, S%*T lady, are you O.K.?"  Once I realized that the light was about to change and I really was going to be road kill, I popped up, dusted myself off and said, "Yes", as I hustled to get out of the oncoming traffic.  I think the complete shock of seeing an adult woman kiss the pavement may have shocked those two and that's the reason there was no snickering and for that, I'm grateful.  I'm sure as they rode of in the sunset though, the laughfest began and I probably brought alot more laughs to their friends when they told that story.  I know I would tell a story like that to my friends.

We all fall in life.  Whether that be literally or figuratively.  Hell, I just fell down in dance class last week.  That's right, I said dance class.  The only thing that we can hope for is that when we fall, that the people around us will have as much compassion as those two guys in that car...ask if you're O.K. and hold the hysterical laughter until you're out of earshot.