Rainbows and Unicorns

In a perfect world we wouldn't be in a recession, cellulite wouldn't exist and we'd all be sliding down rainbows while drinking unicorn milk but that's not the case, now is it?  We are in the worst recession our country has seen since the Great Depression (I guess we can call this the Super Depression but I have yet to see what's super about it so I'll come up with another name later), cellulite does, in fact, exist as I'm reminded of it everyday when looking in the mirror, I have yet to come across unicorn milk at the grocery store and rainbows, well, they do exist (I actually saw one this morning) but I haven't eaten my Lucky Charms so I can't slide down one.  Daily, I look around and see things that should make me want to run for the mountains, or at least the hills of McNeill, build a shack and become the unibomber but my schedule doesn't allow such luxuries.  I'm busy trying to keep a business afloat, find something that resembles romance or at least a random tryst and track down sperm so that I can have a baby before my ovaries release that last sacred egg that will carry on my gene pool.  With all of that going on, I really should try to stay focused on the things that make me happy.

A few things that work for me are: (1) friends, (2) being tan and (3) alcohol (more specifically, beer).  Sure, there are more things in my life that bring me joy but these are the ones I'm going to focus on right now.  Let's start with the first one: friends.  I think the T.V. show "Friends" had it right with the number of friends that were in the group.  The problem is the guy/girl ratio.  When you have that many guys and girls hanging out with each other, it's inevitable that they're going to pair off and have sex.  Sure, Chandler and Monica got married and we all know about Ross and Rachel, but in real life that many good looking people don't hang out with each other without a lot of hanky panky going on.  It's called friends with benefits, look into it.  That's why most (not all) of my close friends are women.  (Now, I'm not leaving out my gay friends because they are spectacular, as well.  There will be entire blogs dedicated to you.)  But as for the girls, we are all straight, so there's no sexual tension; we all know the same people, so there's lots of things to talk about and we have all been friends for more years than I care to recall, so we know each others' deepest darkest secrets.  Sure, I've got some really great guy friends sprinkled here and there but I've got about a handful of "girl"friends that I consider my nearest and dearest, a "posse" if you will.  These ladies are all different but they all have one thing in common, I love them dearly.  They are there for me when I feel the need to kick someone in the teeth but instead I vent to them.  They make me laugh with the obnoxiously high levels of immaturity that we reach on the regular basis.  And they are just all around wonderfully fantabulous people both in and out (that's right, they all have alibis because they are not U-G-L-Y). My friends are like my family and I'm Italian so that means we're in it for life.

The second thing that makes me happy is shimmering summer tans.  The good thing about a suntan is (1) getting it usually involves my other two favorite things (friends and alcohol), (2) tan fat always looks better than white fat and (3) no one will mistake you as a cast member of the Jersey Shore because a real suntan is brown, not pumpkin orange.  Show some southern pride and show off that sun-kissed skin.  You'll feel better for it and sun is an excellent source of Vitamin D which keeps away rickets.

And last, but certainly not least, is alcohol.  In today's pharmaceutical market, there are many drugs out there that claim to aid in reducing our anxiety and I firmly believe there are individuals out there who desperately need these aids.  I have decided to stick with something that has worked since 10,000 B.C. - BEER.  When I've had a hard day of dealing with, how can I put this tactfully, crapola or I just need an excuse to invite people over for some "play time" (that's right, adults have it too), I just pop open a cold one.  It takes the stress away, loosens me up, makes me happy and all my problems of the day just melt away.  I don't know who said alcohol is a depressant because I feel pretty darn fantastic when drinking it.  If you're not doing it, you should try it.  Benjamin Franklin, one of this country's Founding Fathers, has two quotes that I believe we should live by: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" and "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says love your enemy".  Ben was a pretty smart guy so I'm gonna have to go with his philosophy on this subject.

So, there you have it.  These are a few of the positives that I'll stay focused on to keep me from building that shack and winding up as a pencil sketch on a "Most Wanted"  poster.  All of these things certainly do bring me joy and there are many others, too, that I will touch on in future ramblings but for right now I'm going to go try to find some of that unicorn milk.