I think greed is something we possess when we come out of the womb. We want what we want...if we're hungry, we want to be fed; if we're tired we want to be lulled to sleep; if we're sitting in a dirty diaper, we cry until our bottom is clean. A 3 month old doesn't sit with a growling tummy and think to itself, "Oh, mom's doing laundry because I vomited all over myself and her earlier, so I'll just sit here and amuse myself until she has time to tend to me." It never works that way. It's part of a heirarchy of personality phases that we go through and the first one is called the id. It's the stage in life where everything is about you and you want everything for yourself. Sure, you're basic needs are met but it's at the expense of everyone around you. Sadly, some people never grow out of this phase. Greed in many ways is like the id phase of our personality development.
I look at toddlers, only children and brats who haven't learned how to share. It's perfectly normal to be possessive of your possessions but it's up to parents to teach the children when to let things go and not be a toy hog. When I see a greedy adult it often makes me wonder what kind of upbringing they had. Were they wealthy, used to getting everything they wanted, never had to share and just brought these traits straight into adulthood? Were they poor, had to fight for everything they had, defending their no-name "Barbey" from a sibling that just wanted to rip her head off and carried this form of survival into grown-up land? It could be a plethera of things but one thing is for certain, greed is not a flattering characteristic even if Michael Douglas said it was in Wall Street.
I'm definately guilty of greed. Especially when it comes to beer, DVD's and well, really anything. There's a reason I buy my stuff and it's so it will be there when I need it. I don't want to have to go looking for my possessions only to realize I've loaned them to a someone who has not returned it. Ugh, that makes me crazy. And why do I feel guilty asking for it back? It's my stuff. I paid for it. I took the time out of my schedule to go buy it but for the life of me, I hate to ask for it back because I feel like I'm being a greedy ass. It's quite a conundrum. I'm trying to work through it, though but it's not looking good.
As for putting a positive spin on greed, well, that's a hard one. This may be the one deadly sin that I can't see a bright side in because there's nothing appealing about it. So to greed I say, well played. You have greedily kept anything good about you to yourself and not shared the tiniest sliver of hope that there's a ray of sunshine in you.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
7 Deadly Sins...Gluttony
Ahhhh, gluttony. One of the sins that's the most fun. The dictionary defines gluttony as excessive eating and drinking so that must make me an expert on this particular sin. I don't think that it ends with eating and drinking, though. You can be a glutton with anything that's done in excess. We've all heard the phrase, "glutton for punishment" which basically means, "stop doing stupid things that get you in trouble or you're going to keep getting the same negative results." Here's the way I look at it, if you're taking in too much stuff, whether it be food, drink, repercussions from bad decisions, sex, whatever it is that you can't seem to get enough of, you're a glutton.
In another era, gluttons were the rich because they ate alot due to the fact that they were the only ones that could afford food and they had a tendency to be on the hefty side. Being large and in charge was a sign of wealth. Today, that's not the case. Look around your neighborhood Wal-Mart and you'll see lots of poor fat people in moo moo's or ill-fitting stretch pants and Crocs. Thanks to value meals and super sizing, anyone from any economic class can be a glutton.
I've tried to think of a way to put a positive spin on gluttony and it still hasn't come to me even as I'm typing this right now. Maybe by the end it will dawn on me as to how excess can be good. I have looked at my life and what I partake in a little more than I should and naturally, libations come into play. It's no secret that I'm a drinker. I drank last night...way too much as a matter of fact but I like to drink, it helps me relax and it keeps me from losing my mind and quite possibly stops me from killing someone. There it is!!! The positive aspect of my gluttony. I'm keeping myself from murdering someone, going to jail and being a burden on the tax payers of this once great nation. I knew it would come to me and you're welcome, America. Anyway, I often to drink to the point of drunkenness. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say, "Oh, I just have a drink or two to ease the stress." No, I can kill a 12 pack without thinking about it. It's not something I'm proud of but it's a fact of life and being that I'm a woman, it's a bit of a gift. I know that if there ever comes a day when I settle down and have kids, 12 packs will be a part of my past and I'll turn to Lexipro but for now, Michelob Ultra is one of my BFF's.
I mentioned food and sex earlier as examples of things that can make us gluttonous. We live in Mississippi, one of the fattest states in the nation and when I look around Picayune and hear all the rumors of bed hopping I realize that we are all gluttons in some way, shape or form. In the world we live in now, everyone does what feels good, to hell with the repercussions. Whether it be eating too much sushi at Osaka, drinking too much at the bar then going home with some random person because you're feeling a little naughty, these are all gluttonous activities. I'm just spit balling here, I'm not admitting that I've done any of the aforementioned things so don't jump to conclusions. What I am saying is this, we learn from the mistakes we make and maybe if we are doing something a little too often that we shouldn't be doing, it can be a learning experience for us. Often times, being a "glutton for punishment" can be a good thing if the end result is that you stop making idiotic decisions. So there you have it...I've done my best to shine a positive light on gluttony, a deadly sin where even the word sounds gross. Next week, GREED. Can't you just envision that old time villain twirling his mustache with a woman tied to a train track but I digress.
Much Love,
Nickie
In another era, gluttons were the rich because they ate alot due to the fact that they were the only ones that could afford food and they had a tendency to be on the hefty side. Being large and in charge was a sign of wealth. Today, that's not the case. Look around your neighborhood Wal-Mart and you'll see lots of poor fat people in moo moo's or ill-fitting stretch pants and Crocs. Thanks to value meals and super sizing, anyone from any economic class can be a glutton.
I've tried to think of a way to put a positive spin on gluttony and it still hasn't come to me even as I'm typing this right now. Maybe by the end it will dawn on me as to how excess can be good. I have looked at my life and what I partake in a little more than I should and naturally, libations come into play. It's no secret that I'm a drinker. I drank last night...way too much as a matter of fact but I like to drink, it helps me relax and it keeps me from losing my mind and quite possibly stops me from killing someone. There it is!!! The positive aspect of my gluttony. I'm keeping myself from murdering someone, going to jail and being a burden on the tax payers of this once great nation. I knew it would come to me and you're welcome, America. Anyway, I often to drink to the point of drunkenness. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say, "Oh, I just have a drink or two to ease the stress." No, I can kill a 12 pack without thinking about it. It's not something I'm proud of but it's a fact of life and being that I'm a woman, it's a bit of a gift. I know that if there ever comes a day when I settle down and have kids, 12 packs will be a part of my past and I'll turn to Lexipro but for now, Michelob Ultra is one of my BFF's.
I mentioned food and sex earlier as examples of things that can make us gluttonous. We live in Mississippi, one of the fattest states in the nation and when I look around Picayune and hear all the rumors of bed hopping I realize that we are all gluttons in some way, shape or form. In the world we live in now, everyone does what feels good, to hell with the repercussions. Whether it be eating too much sushi at Osaka, drinking too much at the bar then going home with some random person because you're feeling a little naughty, these are all gluttonous activities. I'm just spit balling here, I'm not admitting that I've done any of the aforementioned things so don't jump to conclusions. What I am saying is this, we learn from the mistakes we make and maybe if we are doing something a little too often that we shouldn't be doing, it can be a learning experience for us. Often times, being a "glutton for punishment" can be a good thing if the end result is that you stop making idiotic decisions. So there you have it...I've done my best to shine a positive light on gluttony, a deadly sin where even the word sounds gross. Next week, GREED. Can't you just envision that old time villain twirling his mustache with a woman tied to a train track but I digress.
Much Love,
Nickie
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
7 Deadly Sins...Lust
I know that I usually write about something that has caught my attention and I've somehow found it interesting or have seen the humor in an otherwise bleak experience. It's what I do as a liver of life. I love to make people laugh and hopefully they're laughing with me and not at me but either way, I got a laugh. Today, I'm going to explore things that are a little more on the dark side. Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't gone the way of Darth Vader. No black mask with perverted prank caller breathing patterns and I don't have that cool music that would play whenever he was walking the halls of the Death Star. I would REALLY like that music to play when I entered a room but I digress. I'm going to take some time to explore the Seven Deadly Sins and how they are present in my life whether being practiced by me or those around me. In Picayune, I could sling a dead cat and find someone committing one of them at anytime of the day but more on that later. I'd also like to put a different spin on these sins and maybe they could possibly be looked at in another light...maybe. The Seven Deadly Sins are as follow...lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and the worst according to all the websites I looked at, pride.
This first rambling will be on lust. Lust can be defined as a craving for the pleasures of the flesh. That just sounds sexy and lusty, doesn't it? Apparently, it's not a good thing. Well, none of them are or they wouldn't be deadly sins now would they? Lust can be a noun or a verb. You could have an insatiable "lust" for someone or you could be "lusting" after someone which immediately gives me mental images of a person panting and wiping the sweat from their brow and saying, "Whooo, is it hot in here or is it just me?" Used to be, it was just men that put their lustful feelings/intentions out there for all the world to see. It was just their nature but now the ladies have stepped up to the plate and taken things to a whole different level. With the increase in plastic surgery and hair extensions, women are able to flaunt parts of their bodies that make a man's eyes do that thing like cartoon dogs whose eyes pop out of their heads on a slinky wire. I'm not gonna sit here and blow smoke up your behind and tell you I haven't put the girls on display with the hopes of getting a little flirting action or a free drink. Who hasn't done that? I'm also not gonna tell you that I went to the movie Burlesque this past weekend and didn't leave the theater telling my friend that I wanted to lick the guy's abs that had the lead role. If you're a straight woman, you would've said the same. Unfreakingbelievable this guy, but again, I digress. :) These are all examples of lust, whether it be using it to your advantage to cut down on your bar bill or offering to clean a man's stomach with your tongue.
I don't think that I hurt anyone with these things that I've done but a sin is a sin is a sin is a sin. One is no worse than the other. The Bible says, "Whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28). Again, with times changing we can substitute woman for man because women are holding their own in this category of Deadly Sins. I ask myself sometimes, can we really help it if we find someone attractive? It's in our genetic make-up to seek out a mate (as long as they're not married to someone) and make babies and die together. As long as we don't act on every urge that we have, is lust such a bad thing? I've had many dreams that prove quite the contrary. The real downer is when you wake up and realize the dream wasn't real.
I'm not trying to question the logic behind the 7 Deadly Sins, I know that they're bad, but sometimes you can shine a light on an otherwise negative subject. What if we looked at lust like this...say there's this really rich shy guy whose only interaction with women comes from the strip club that he frequents because he's such a crippled introvert. Now let's say there's a down-on-her-luck "exotic dancer" who's only working there to pay the bills in this tough economy but what she really wants to do is take care of a man and stay home with their brood of kids (don't get mad at me women's libber's, if I could stay home with a baby, I would too). She offers him a lap dance, for a small fee of course, and they begin to talk. She breaks the cardinal rule of not going out with patrons and has dinner with him. They hit it off, there's fireworks, they get married in Vegas and the rest is history. Now isn't that a lovely story of how two people, one using her body in lustful ways to make a living and one frequenting a place of ill repute because that's the closest he's going to get to a woman? See? You really can put a positive spin on something that has notoriously been given a bad wrap.
This first rambling will be on lust. Lust can be defined as a craving for the pleasures of the flesh. That just sounds sexy and lusty, doesn't it? Apparently, it's not a good thing. Well, none of them are or they wouldn't be deadly sins now would they? Lust can be a noun or a verb. You could have an insatiable "lust" for someone or you could be "lusting" after someone which immediately gives me mental images of a person panting and wiping the sweat from their brow and saying, "Whooo, is it hot in here or is it just me?" Used to be, it was just men that put their lustful feelings/intentions out there for all the world to see. It was just their nature but now the ladies have stepped up to the plate and taken things to a whole different level. With the increase in plastic surgery and hair extensions, women are able to flaunt parts of their bodies that make a man's eyes do that thing like cartoon dogs whose eyes pop out of their heads on a slinky wire. I'm not gonna sit here and blow smoke up your behind and tell you I haven't put the girls on display with the hopes of getting a little flirting action or a free drink. Who hasn't done that? I'm also not gonna tell you that I went to the movie Burlesque this past weekend and didn't leave the theater telling my friend that I wanted to lick the guy's abs that had the lead role. If you're a straight woman, you would've said the same. Unfreakingbelievable this guy, but again, I digress. :) These are all examples of lust, whether it be using it to your advantage to cut down on your bar bill or offering to clean a man's stomach with your tongue.
I don't think that I hurt anyone with these things that I've done but a sin is a sin is a sin is a sin. One is no worse than the other. The Bible says, "Whosoever shall look on a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28). Again, with times changing we can substitute woman for man because women are holding their own in this category of Deadly Sins. I ask myself sometimes, can we really help it if we find someone attractive? It's in our genetic make-up to seek out a mate (as long as they're not married to someone) and make babies and die together. As long as we don't act on every urge that we have, is lust such a bad thing? I've had many dreams that prove quite the contrary. The real downer is when you wake up and realize the dream wasn't real.
I'm not trying to question the logic behind the 7 Deadly Sins, I know that they're bad, but sometimes you can shine a light on an otherwise negative subject. What if we looked at lust like this...say there's this really rich shy guy whose only interaction with women comes from the strip club that he frequents because he's such a crippled introvert. Now let's say there's a down-on-her-luck "exotic dancer" who's only working there to pay the bills in this tough economy but what she really wants to do is take care of a man and stay home with their brood of kids (don't get mad at me women's libber's, if I could stay home with a baby, I would too). She offers him a lap dance, for a small fee of course, and they begin to talk. She breaks the cardinal rule of not going out with patrons and has dinner with him. They hit it off, there's fireworks, they get married in Vegas and the rest is history. Now isn't that a lovely story of how two people, one using her body in lustful ways to make a living and one frequenting a place of ill repute because that's the closest he's going to get to a woman? See? You really can put a positive spin on something that has notoriously been given a bad wrap.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Doable or Dateable...Which One Are You?
I was having a conversation with some friends this weekend and the subject of dating sauntered into the conversation. There was mixed company involved meaning men, women, single and married people so there were differing opinions on the subject, but the one big question that arose from the conversation was, "Who is doable and who is dateable?". This question made me look at relationships that I've had and those relationships around me.
To be doable, the definition is pretty self explanatory but I'll give you our interpretation. Doable means that someone would want to have a roll in the hay with you but in no way, shape or form would they take you out in public. It involves (a) the 1 a.m. booty call, (b) the flirting at work then taking it to the next level and agreeing that no one can know, (c) the person that you always hook up with when you've had too much to drink, because the beer goggles have severely hindered your vision, your inhibitions are WAY down and, quite frankly, you're just a little horny. We've all been there and if you say you haven't, you're a liar. You may not have slid past home but you did round a few bases. Doable has its advantages if you're into the no strings attached, purely physical relationship and many men were born with the gene that allows them to have guilt-free sex so "doable" is a win/win for them. Most women were not born with this particular gene so when they do knock it out with someone they have a tendency to become attached because, honestly, all women want to believe that they're 100% dateable and they think that those 1 a.m. booty calls will turn into a dating relationship and they may even say they're "dating" their late night visitor but let me assure you that he's not telling people he's seeing you. If he sneaks in like a thief in the night, burglarizes your lady parts and leaves before daybreak, you're not dating. Now, please don't think that I'm saying only guys are capable of this purely physical relationship, I've met many women who were born with the gene that makes them able to satisfy physical needs without looking back but when to many guys hear that you possess that gene, you quickly become undateable which brings me to the other title of "dateable".
What exactly makes a person "dateable"? I would say that it's a combination of things...personality, looks, income, living situation, hygiene, teeth (that's a personal one for me), honesty and so on and so forth. The aforementioned qualities were in no particular order. And the dateable person would also have to be "doable". Who's gonna date somebody without one of the results of dating them be doing them? So if you're dateable you have to have alot of attributes that slide you over from just the doable column to the prized dateable column. And the sad thing is, everybody has different qualities that they're looking for in the person that they actually take out in public. For some it's looks, for some it's social graces, some people may want a head strong, independent spouse where someone else may want a submissive, dependent, delicate little flower. So what makes YOU dateable? Or, if you're married, what made you dateable? What sold you to the person that you're with right now? And did you sell yourself well enough that they'll never want to trade you in for a newer model (that's for men and women, by the way) or that one of you will have buyer's remorse in the near future because I see people all the time that are married and wonder how in the hell they achieved that feat?
I'm single, have never been married and am currently not dating anybody. I'm never the one that gets hit on at the bar and no one ever has a crush on me even though I'm way past the age limit for crushes. I am, however, the one that makes friends with guys very easily once they realize that I'm not a bitch, I love to drink beer and I'm smart and funny. My friends and I sit around and blame Picayune for this fate but it seems that others are having an easy time of finding someone. Sure, they may only last for about 2 years but at least they made the short sell to experience that side of the relationship status. I've been told to not be so outspoken and "jokey" when I first meet someone. My viewpoint on that is, screw it!!! If I can't be myself then that person doesn't deserve me because underneath all this feisty sarcasm is quite a spectacular person. If you haven't got to know that side of me, you should. And, for the love of Mary, Jesus and Joseph, don't listen to people that I've pissed off in some way. Their opinion of me is slightly skewed and we'll throw them out of the study due to invalidity.
So, this week's question is, are YOU doable or dateable and what makes you either/or? And if no one's dating you, what do you think the problem is? And if you are dating someone and not doing them, what's the problem there? (That question only applies to mature adults of legal age). And if you're doing someone and they're not dating you, what's the issue there? And if the latter question is the case, please stop telling people you're seeing your booty call because people are eventually going to have you committed for hallucinations about an imaginary partner that no one ever sees because they only come to see you under the veil of darkness. Unless you're happy with that then it's whatever floats your boat. So good luck to those that are single, married, gay , straight, celibate or slutty. May the force be with you.
To be doable, the definition is pretty self explanatory but I'll give you our interpretation. Doable means that someone would want to have a roll in the hay with you but in no way, shape or form would they take you out in public. It involves (a) the 1 a.m. booty call, (b) the flirting at work then taking it to the next level and agreeing that no one can know, (c) the person that you always hook up with when you've had too much to drink, because the beer goggles have severely hindered your vision, your inhibitions are WAY down and, quite frankly, you're just a little horny. We've all been there and if you say you haven't, you're a liar. You may not have slid past home but you did round a few bases. Doable has its advantages if you're into the no strings attached, purely physical relationship and many men were born with the gene that allows them to have guilt-free sex so "doable" is a win/win for them. Most women were not born with this particular gene so when they do knock it out with someone they have a tendency to become attached because, honestly, all women want to believe that they're 100% dateable and they think that those 1 a.m. booty calls will turn into a dating relationship and they may even say they're "dating" their late night visitor but let me assure you that he's not telling people he's seeing you. If he sneaks in like a thief in the night, burglarizes your lady parts and leaves before daybreak, you're not dating. Now, please don't think that I'm saying only guys are capable of this purely physical relationship, I've met many women who were born with the gene that makes them able to satisfy physical needs without looking back but when to many guys hear that you possess that gene, you quickly become undateable which brings me to the other title of "dateable".
What exactly makes a person "dateable"? I would say that it's a combination of things...personality, looks, income, living situation, hygiene, teeth (that's a personal one for me), honesty and so on and so forth. The aforementioned qualities were in no particular order. And the dateable person would also have to be "doable". Who's gonna date somebody without one of the results of dating them be doing them? So if you're dateable you have to have alot of attributes that slide you over from just the doable column to the prized dateable column. And the sad thing is, everybody has different qualities that they're looking for in the person that they actually take out in public. For some it's looks, for some it's social graces, some people may want a head strong, independent spouse where someone else may want a submissive, dependent, delicate little flower. So what makes YOU dateable? Or, if you're married, what made you dateable? What sold you to the person that you're with right now? And did you sell yourself well enough that they'll never want to trade you in for a newer model (that's for men and women, by the way) or that one of you will have buyer's remorse in the near future because I see people all the time that are married and wonder how in the hell they achieved that feat?
I'm single, have never been married and am currently not dating anybody. I'm never the one that gets hit on at the bar and no one ever has a crush on me even though I'm way past the age limit for crushes. I am, however, the one that makes friends with guys very easily once they realize that I'm not a bitch, I love to drink beer and I'm smart and funny. My friends and I sit around and blame Picayune for this fate but it seems that others are having an easy time of finding someone. Sure, they may only last for about 2 years but at least they made the short sell to experience that side of the relationship status. I've been told to not be so outspoken and "jokey" when I first meet someone. My viewpoint on that is, screw it!!! If I can't be myself then that person doesn't deserve me because underneath all this feisty sarcasm is quite a spectacular person. If you haven't got to know that side of me, you should. And, for the love of Mary, Jesus and Joseph, don't listen to people that I've pissed off in some way. Their opinion of me is slightly skewed and we'll throw them out of the study due to invalidity.
So, this week's question is, are YOU doable or dateable and what makes you either/or? And if no one's dating you, what do you think the problem is? And if you are dating someone and not doing them, what's the problem there? (That question only applies to mature adults of legal age). And if you're doing someone and they're not dating you, what's the issue there? And if the latter question is the case, please stop telling people you're seeing your booty call because people are eventually going to have you committed for hallucinations about an imaginary partner that no one ever sees because they only come to see you under the veil of darkness. Unless you're happy with that then it's whatever floats your boat. So good luck to those that are single, married, gay , straight, celibate or slutty. May the force be with you.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Things I've Learned from Sophie the Dog...Vol. 1
I've got this dog. Her name is Sophie. She's fluffy, blond and just about the cutest thing you've ever put an eyeball on in your life. The way I acquired Sophie was, ironically enough, at a flea market. My friend Charlotte and I were on our way home from a weekend jaunt to Gulf Shores a couple of years ago and she suggested we stop by to see what was what at the Mobile flea market. As we're pulling in to the market, she says, "You know they sell dogs here. Maybe you'll get a dog.", to which I responded, "Hell no, I'm not getting a damn dog.". Fifteen minutes later I met Sophie and obviously the rest is history.
Growing up I never had an "inside" dog. We had mutts that never ventured past the door frame. Even when Bob Breck said to bring in plants and animals, we'd bring in the plants but the animals had to fend for themselves. We may have put some straw in a box in the garage but that was the limit that we went to the cater to the dogs. Now I have this indoor fluff monster that looks like Chewbaca on somedays, I can't imagine what I did before I had her. Some of you know that I would love nothing more than to have a child so I'm guessing, using the super powers of my useless psychology degree, that I'm projecting the love that I would give a child onto Sophie. But Sophie, in return, showers me with unconditional love and that's what I want to talk about in "Things I've Learned from Sophie the Dog...Volume 1".
I've always had friends that have had some sort of canine living in their homes and they would tell me there's nothing like coming home and having that dog be so excited to see you that they literally pee on the floor. She cannot wait for me to put down my purse and pick her up to give her a hug. I know that she needs to go potty, too, but I'd like to think that she's jumping around like a maniac because she's so super pumped about seeing me, her master. I just love that title. I can yell at her, pop her with a recently chewed-on shoe or practically drown her when I rinse the soap out of her hair in the bath and she still loves me. Sophie loves everybody, though. Ask anyone that comes to my house. She will attack you with love. She shows no partiality to whose lap she jumps in or whose face she licks. She is a 20 pound fluffball of love and it got me to thinking...what if society could love like a dog?
Think of the people in your life. We've all got friends that we love and that love us back but don't you sometimes feel that there are those certain friends that are only friends with you because of what they can get out of you? Or that someone is dating you because of the benefits that come from that relationship whether it be money or sex? I've found that as I've gotten older, my BS meter is pretty right on so if someone is hanging out with me for what they can get, which by the way is very little, I can weed them out. I only want people around me that love me for me. Flaws and all and there are MANY, MANY flaws. I want friends that are like Sophie, excited to see me and they get over things quickly when there's an argument and they're loyal but loyalty will be a whole other volume.
In closing I'll say this...look at the people in your life and ask yourself if they're worth your time. My dog and the close friends that I do have are worth more to me than they'll ever know and I want all my special friends to know, that, yes, I do feel like jumping up and down and peeing in my pants when I see you and you know who you are and I hope you have a little leakage when you see me, too.
Growing up I never had an "inside" dog. We had mutts that never ventured past the door frame. Even when Bob Breck said to bring in plants and animals, we'd bring in the plants but the animals had to fend for themselves. We may have put some straw in a box in the garage but that was the limit that we went to the cater to the dogs. Now I have this indoor fluff monster that looks like Chewbaca on somedays, I can't imagine what I did before I had her. Some of you know that I would love nothing more than to have a child so I'm guessing, using the super powers of my useless psychology degree, that I'm projecting the love that I would give a child onto Sophie. But Sophie, in return, showers me with unconditional love and that's what I want to talk about in "Things I've Learned from Sophie the Dog...Volume 1".
I've always had friends that have had some sort of canine living in their homes and they would tell me there's nothing like coming home and having that dog be so excited to see you that they literally pee on the floor. She cannot wait for me to put down my purse and pick her up to give her a hug. I know that she needs to go potty, too, but I'd like to think that she's jumping around like a maniac because she's so super pumped about seeing me, her master. I just love that title. I can yell at her, pop her with a recently chewed-on shoe or practically drown her when I rinse the soap out of her hair in the bath and she still loves me. Sophie loves everybody, though. Ask anyone that comes to my house. She will attack you with love. She shows no partiality to whose lap she jumps in or whose face she licks. She is a 20 pound fluffball of love and it got me to thinking...what if society could love like a dog?
Think of the people in your life. We've all got friends that we love and that love us back but don't you sometimes feel that there are those certain friends that are only friends with you because of what they can get out of you? Or that someone is dating you because of the benefits that come from that relationship whether it be money or sex? I've found that as I've gotten older, my BS meter is pretty right on so if someone is hanging out with me for what they can get, which by the way is very little, I can weed them out. I only want people around me that love me for me. Flaws and all and there are MANY, MANY flaws. I want friends that are like Sophie, excited to see me and they get over things quickly when there's an argument and they're loyal but loyalty will be a whole other volume.
In closing I'll say this...look at the people in your life and ask yourself if they're worth your time. My dog and the close friends that I do have are worth more to me than they'll ever know and I want all my special friends to know, that, yes, I do feel like jumping up and down and peeing in my pants when I see you and you know who you are and I hope you have a little leakage when you see me, too.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Will Prohibition End?
Tomorrow, November 9, 2010, in the year or our Lord, Picayune city residents will be able to cast a vote to partially end prohibition in the city limits of our fair city. The vote will be to grant "resort" status in the city limits of Picayune. This will allow "by the glass" alcohol to be served in eating establishments and hotels that have social events will be able to serve alcohol without threat of being busted by the fuzz. This has been a long time coming and everyone who knows me knows where I stand on this issue but there are a few things that I would like to discuss that will go against what many who support this change use as an arguement.
The first thing I don't like to hear is that we'll finally have "good" restaurants in town. First of all, I know the owners of a couple of my favorite restaurants in town and they are "good" restaurants. If they weren't, I wouldn't eat there. If this passes, believe me, we will not see a flood of big chain restaurants coming to Picayune in the beginning. And if one more person uses Applebee's as the type of restaurant that we want here, I will punch them in the face. Can we at least aim a little higher than that? Geesh. Standards, people, standards. In all reality, chances are it will take quite a while for a big chain to come here simply because we don't have the population to support it but what it will do is allow existing restaurants to serve alcohol. And maybe if we're lucky, some wonderful person that really knows about cow and how to cook a decent steak will open a quaint little steakhouse and I can have a glass of Merlot with my cut of beef.
What the "resort" status will do is bring in more sales tax to increase our dwindling tax base. As that tax base keeps decreasing, your personal property taxes WILL go up. Your elected officials know this and yet none of them will grow a pair (women included) and support this issue. The Chamber of Commerce is another group that needs to get off it's tail and pick a side too but you won't see that happen, either. If you look at Flowood, MS, in the year since they have passed the "resort" bill for that area, they have seen a 3% to 5% increase in sales tax revenue. There has NOT, I repeat NOT been an increase in DUI's and public drunkeness and they haven't had to hire more officers (which I've heard repeatedly from opponents of this issue say)with the exception of one officer to enforce the codes. I didn't look this info up myself, I'll give credit where credit is due, Jeremy Pittari at the Picayune Item wrote this in his Sunday article about the vote. When Flowood put this up to a vote, the Chamber of Commerce, City Council and business owners were behind it. Why, you may ask? Because they knew it's what was best for their city. Business owners here are scared to do it for fear that the "churchee's" will boycot their business and elected officials are scared to support it because they may lose some votes next election. And with that, I will address the sect of the population that uses religion as a reason for wanting to keep prohibition alive and kicking in the 21st century.
I have always found it odd that one of the quotes from the Bible that is most used is "Judge not, lest ye be judged", and yet the people that seem to judge the most are the ones that are contantly spouting out scripture and sitting on the front row of church on Sunday morning. I'm not singling out any one denomination because they're ALL guilty. Here's what I don't understand...if I'm with a person that doesn't drink because of whatever system of beliefs they're going with that week, I would never think to say, "I'm having a drink so you have to, as well." And yet, those who don't drink expect those who enjoy the occassional libation to abide by their beliefs. It's so hypocritical and to be quite honest, you're being an a**hole. How many times have you been to a respectable eating establishment and witnessed a person falling over in their plate because they've drank too much at the bar (and I'm not talking to the people that witnessed quite a little show at Augie's Glass Garden for prom 1991 and I'm also not referring to myself in that 1991 reference)?
What I'm trying to say is this...if I have enough respect for you not to force you to have a drink when you're with me and participate in my way of life, then please stop trying to make me participate in your way of life. Let's do something that will only have positive effects on the economic downturn this city has taken. Don't you want to see schools get a little more money? Don't you want to see roads get repaired? Don't you want to create jobs? Don't you want your tithes increase due to people having said jobs? It's a common sense thing, people, so in the words of Spike Lee, "Do the right thing.".
The first thing I don't like to hear is that we'll finally have "good" restaurants in town. First of all, I know the owners of a couple of my favorite restaurants in town and they are "good" restaurants. If they weren't, I wouldn't eat there. If this passes, believe me, we will not see a flood of big chain restaurants coming to Picayune in the beginning. And if one more person uses Applebee's as the type of restaurant that we want here, I will punch them in the face. Can we at least aim a little higher than that? Geesh. Standards, people, standards. In all reality, chances are it will take quite a while for a big chain to come here simply because we don't have the population to support it but what it will do is allow existing restaurants to serve alcohol. And maybe if we're lucky, some wonderful person that really knows about cow and how to cook a decent steak will open a quaint little steakhouse and I can have a glass of Merlot with my cut of beef.
What the "resort" status will do is bring in more sales tax to increase our dwindling tax base. As that tax base keeps decreasing, your personal property taxes WILL go up. Your elected officials know this and yet none of them will grow a pair (women included) and support this issue. The Chamber of Commerce is another group that needs to get off it's tail and pick a side too but you won't see that happen, either. If you look at Flowood, MS, in the year since they have passed the "resort" bill for that area, they have seen a 3% to 5% increase in sales tax revenue. There has NOT, I repeat NOT been an increase in DUI's and public drunkeness and they haven't had to hire more officers (which I've heard repeatedly from opponents of this issue say)with the exception of one officer to enforce the codes. I didn't look this info up myself, I'll give credit where credit is due, Jeremy Pittari at the Picayune Item wrote this in his Sunday article about the vote. When Flowood put this up to a vote, the Chamber of Commerce, City Council and business owners were behind it. Why, you may ask? Because they knew it's what was best for their city. Business owners here are scared to do it for fear that the "churchee's" will boycot their business and elected officials are scared to support it because they may lose some votes next election. And with that, I will address the sect of the population that uses religion as a reason for wanting to keep prohibition alive and kicking in the 21st century.
I have always found it odd that one of the quotes from the Bible that is most used is "Judge not, lest ye be judged", and yet the people that seem to judge the most are the ones that are contantly spouting out scripture and sitting on the front row of church on Sunday morning. I'm not singling out any one denomination because they're ALL guilty. Here's what I don't understand...if I'm with a person that doesn't drink because of whatever system of beliefs they're going with that week, I would never think to say, "I'm having a drink so you have to, as well." And yet, those who don't drink expect those who enjoy the occassional libation to abide by their beliefs. It's so hypocritical and to be quite honest, you're being an a**hole. How many times have you been to a respectable eating establishment and witnessed a person falling over in their plate because they've drank too much at the bar (and I'm not talking to the people that witnessed quite a little show at Augie's Glass Garden for prom 1991 and I'm also not referring to myself in that 1991 reference)?
What I'm trying to say is this...if I have enough respect for you not to force you to have a drink when you're with me and participate in my way of life, then please stop trying to make me participate in your way of life. Let's do something that will only have positive effects on the economic downturn this city has taken. Don't you want to see schools get a little more money? Don't you want to see roads get repaired? Don't you want to create jobs? Don't you want your tithes increase due to people having said jobs? It's a common sense thing, people, so in the words of Spike Lee, "Do the right thing.".
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Have we really turned into sheeple?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010 is election day for Congress. No matter what your political leanings and ideologies are, I'm sure we're all in agreement that things are not going well for the good ole US of A. I don't blame this all on one person like some seem to do nor do I blame it on one party like others. Our political system has been swirling down the toilet for years now but we've come to a point where it's severly clogged and we need Roto Rooter to come and flush out the pipes. We're Roto Rooter. We have the snake that will churn through the pipes and get rid of all the crap that has been piling up there for too long to mention.
I'm a registered Republican but I'm seriously thinking about changing to Independent simply because both the Republicans and Democrats have come to a point where neither represent the core beliefs of their party. You might as well call them the "Republicrats" because party affiliation means nothing anymore. And I can't take credit for "Republicrats", that's a Walton and Johnson original.
What I'm trying to say in this short blog is this...we, as Americans, have tendency to vote solely on the fact of what party one is affiliated with, what race they are or how your friends tell you to vote. I'm asking you to look at the issues and vote for the candidate that you believe would work for you because, really, that's the job of a politician. They are our employees. Sure, they make more money than we do, can serve one term and have a lifetime pension plan and most have been or are involved in some sort of criminal activity but they're still supposed to do the bidding of the people and represent their constituents. They should be kissing our asses, not the other way around like I witnessed when Steve Palazzo came to town. Good Lord, that was a smooch fest. I still voted for him, though, because I'm hoping for a shake up. As I'm sure you can see, I don't have a whole lot of respect for politicians but since I live in America, it's a necessary evil.
When you go vote today, ask yourself, are you better off now than you were two years ago? I know what my answer is...HELL NO!!!!!!! Let's restore some sort of balance in our government by throwing some people out of Congress like dice out of a Yahtzee cup. Get out and vote, people, or you don't get to complain!!
I'm a registered Republican but I'm seriously thinking about changing to Independent simply because both the Republicans and Democrats have come to a point where neither represent the core beliefs of their party. You might as well call them the "Republicrats" because party affiliation means nothing anymore. And I can't take credit for "Republicrats", that's a Walton and Johnson original.
What I'm trying to say in this short blog is this...we, as Americans, have tendency to vote solely on the fact of what party one is affiliated with, what race they are or how your friends tell you to vote. I'm asking you to look at the issues and vote for the candidate that you believe would work for you because, really, that's the job of a politician. They are our employees. Sure, they make more money than we do, can serve one term and have a lifetime pension plan and most have been or are involved in some sort of criminal activity but they're still supposed to do the bidding of the people and represent their constituents. They should be kissing our asses, not the other way around like I witnessed when Steve Palazzo came to town. Good Lord, that was a smooch fest. I still voted for him, though, because I'm hoping for a shake up. As I'm sure you can see, I don't have a whole lot of respect for politicians but since I live in America, it's a necessary evil.
When you go vote today, ask yourself, are you better off now than you were two years ago? I know what my answer is...HELL NO!!!!!!! Let's restore some sort of balance in our government by throwing some people out of Congress like dice out of a Yahtzee cup. Get out and vote, people, or you don't get to complain!!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Time
When I was younger I took a dance class for 17 years. Once in college, I gave up the dream of being a dancer and focused on going to bars and honing my drinking skills. I became quite successful at it and am still an overachiever in that area of my life. I'm a wee bit older now and a friend of mine that has a dance studio has, what I affectionately call, the "old lady class". This class is basically for older women who have danced in their past who would like to do it again but not in a serious sort of way. It's fun and I'm hoping it will keep the alzheimer's away by working a part of brain that never gets any exercise. Now, being older and taking a class like this can take it's toll on the body and the brain. Out of the two, last week it decided to pick on my body.
To look at me you can definately NOT tell that I go to the gym fairly regularly but I do. And I do all the things that you're supposed to do when you workout. I start slow to warm up the muscles, get in at least a good 40 minutes of cardio, then stretch really well while the muscles are still warm so that I'll be able to sit on the potty the next day and to keep me limber so as I age I don't fall down and break a hip. In dance class we stretch really well too before we start doing things that my body is not used to doing anymore. One thing my body is used to doing is walking. I do it everyday so you can imagine my surprise when I was just walking across the floor with a little bounce in my step and all of a sudden it felt like my calf muscle snapped in two. That may be a bit of an exaggeration but I've never had anything like that happen to me before so I was a little scared. One thing I've learned as I've gotten older is that I don't heal the way I used to and when you feel a snap in your leg you have to wonder, "Geez, how long is it going to take me to bounce back from this latest poor decision?" It's gotten to where when I get up in the morning, there are aches and pains that are getting increasingly worse with age. I asked my friend the other day if she got stiff when she sat in one position too long and was relieved when she said yes because as we all know, misery loves company. All of the aches and pains, slow healing and the constant appearance of sagging skin makes me realize that time is quickly slipping away.
Two of my best friends have girls that are graduating this year. The girls' names are Abby and Katy. I can remember when each of them were born. Abby had a blonde mohawk (not by choice but at least Dannielle had a place to stick the ginormous bows she always put in her girls' hair) and Katy was a chunky monkey with no hair and Debra used tape to stick the bows in her hair. Both of these girls have grown into two of the sweetest and most beautiful girls that I have the privilege of knowing. One of the biggest things that I think about when I see them is how fast time has gone by. As written above, my constant aches and pains remind me everyday that I'm getting older and not so much in a good way, but these girls, along with the constantly growing kids of all my friends, are a positive reminder that time does indeed march on. I have had the opportunity to watch so many of my friends children go through ups and downs in their young lives. I'm hoping that I'll be there to watch the rest of them and hopefully my own children one day. And even though I say I feel 27 in my mind, I know that as they get older I do too, and eventually we are going to all run out of time.
My friend Charlotte once said to me, "You blink your eyes and your kids are grown!". When I told my dad that he said, "Hell, you blink your eyes and your life is mostly gone. You're 20 then BAM you're 60." I can believe it. It hurts my voicebox to say that I'm 37, especially when I look at all that I still have left to do during my brief stint on this Earth. I guess what I'm trying to get across in this particular rambling is this... if you want to take the "old lady class"; don't worry about the pulled muscle or what people think, if you want to go on a vacation, go; if you wanna have a kid, go get knocked up (even though, from personal experience, it's not as easy as one might think); if you want that piece of red velvet cake with the cheese cake on top at P.J.'s, eat it (believe me, it's good). Do all the things that you want to do. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't pay your bills and let all your responsibilites go, but do the things that you can logically do in this lifetime. We only get to go around once and don't you want to be old, lying in your bed thinking about all the fun things you did in life as you slowly drift into the world beyond?
To look at me you can definately NOT tell that I go to the gym fairly regularly but I do. And I do all the things that you're supposed to do when you workout. I start slow to warm up the muscles, get in at least a good 40 minutes of cardio, then stretch really well while the muscles are still warm so that I'll be able to sit on the potty the next day and to keep me limber so as I age I don't fall down and break a hip. In dance class we stretch really well too before we start doing things that my body is not used to doing anymore. One thing my body is used to doing is walking. I do it everyday so you can imagine my surprise when I was just walking across the floor with a little bounce in my step and all of a sudden it felt like my calf muscle snapped in two. That may be a bit of an exaggeration but I've never had anything like that happen to me before so I was a little scared. One thing I've learned as I've gotten older is that I don't heal the way I used to and when you feel a snap in your leg you have to wonder, "Geez, how long is it going to take me to bounce back from this latest poor decision?" It's gotten to where when I get up in the morning, there are aches and pains that are getting increasingly worse with age. I asked my friend the other day if she got stiff when she sat in one position too long and was relieved when she said yes because as we all know, misery loves company. All of the aches and pains, slow healing and the constant appearance of sagging skin makes me realize that time is quickly slipping away.
Two of my best friends have girls that are graduating this year. The girls' names are Abby and Katy. I can remember when each of them were born. Abby had a blonde mohawk (not by choice but at least Dannielle had a place to stick the ginormous bows she always put in her girls' hair) and Katy was a chunky monkey with no hair and Debra used tape to stick the bows in her hair. Both of these girls have grown into two of the sweetest and most beautiful girls that I have the privilege of knowing. One of the biggest things that I think about when I see them is how fast time has gone by. As written above, my constant aches and pains remind me everyday that I'm getting older and not so much in a good way, but these girls, along with the constantly growing kids of all my friends, are a positive reminder that time does indeed march on. I have had the opportunity to watch so many of my friends children go through ups and downs in their young lives. I'm hoping that I'll be there to watch the rest of them and hopefully my own children one day. And even though I say I feel 27 in my mind, I know that as they get older I do too, and eventually we are going to all run out of time.
My friend Charlotte once said to me, "You blink your eyes and your kids are grown!". When I told my dad that he said, "Hell, you blink your eyes and your life is mostly gone. You're 20 then BAM you're 60." I can believe it. It hurts my voicebox to say that I'm 37, especially when I look at all that I still have left to do during my brief stint on this Earth. I guess what I'm trying to get across in this particular rambling is this... if you want to take the "old lady class"; don't worry about the pulled muscle or what people think, if you want to go on a vacation, go; if you wanna have a kid, go get knocked up (even though, from personal experience, it's not as easy as one might think); if you want that piece of red velvet cake with the cheese cake on top at P.J.'s, eat it (believe me, it's good). Do all the things that you want to do. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't pay your bills and let all your responsibilites go, but do the things that you can logically do in this lifetime. We only get to go around once and don't you want to be old, lying in your bed thinking about all the fun things you did in life as you slowly drift into the world beyond?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I didn't fall down...I was attacking the ground.
I'm not gonna take credit for that title. I saw it on Facebook and it reminded me of how I have a knack for losing my balance and eventually ending up on the ground. And I'm also writing this for my friend, Dannielle, because she loves to see me fall and even initiates the falling. As children, falling down is no biggy. We fall, we scrape our knees, some adult puts something that burns like hell on it and we run along and play. There's no embarrassment or the threat of a broken hip. We were kids. We had alot more to concern ourselves with than the slow kid in the herd that slowed the pack down by falling down all the time. Now, we have the show Wipe Out and Youtube videos that are a constant stream of adults falling down and getting hurt and there's me laughing at their pain. I guess I can laugh at it because it's happened to me so many times. Here's a bit of my stumbling history for your enjoyment...
I come about falling down honestly. My mother falls alot. Back in the 80's, Dolly Parton came out with a fantastic song and movie called "9 to 5". The fashion in this movie was big hair, tight dresses, panty hose and high heels. My mother took this style to heart and wore it to her job as a bookkeeper at a local furniture store. Some of her tasks during the day included walking to the bank and post office. Now as some of you know, the sidewalks in Picayune aren't in the best of shape at the this current time. They were in the same shape 25 years ago. Walking in heels on a very unlevel surface can be tricky for even the most professional of fashionistas but Donna (my mom) did it everyday. I don't know when the first fall happened, maybe going up the steps at the post office, maybe on the slanted sidewalk in front of First National Bank, who knows. All I know is her constant stumbling taught her to keep an extra pair of panty hose and bandaids in her desk drawer. She's lowered the height on the shoes she wears but I, sadly, have inherited the art of falling down.
It all started in a dance recital. There I was, 5 years old, in my white tap shoes, dancing with a candy cane striped stick to Sammy Davis, Jr.'s "The Candy Man". I'm still convinced that song is about drugs but I digress. Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting in a straddle split still holding that candy cane dancing stick. Crying. Lucky for me, the dance teacher's brother took pity on me, walked out on stage and carried me off. That memory still sticks in my mind. Little did I know that I would be making many more memories as an adult than I did as a child.
Not surprisingly, some of my falls happen when adult beverages are involved and usually when I'm in the bathroom. Here are a few of my experiences...One time at a daquairi shop, I fell backwards in the restroom while pulling up my pants. Once the pants were up I got a little off balance. Lucky for me the cinder block wall and my head broke my fall. I came out looking like one of those cartoon characters with birds flying around my head. Another time at my house, I was once again in the ladies' room when I got a little off balance. This time I fell in the tub, taking down the shower curtain with me. There I was, on my back like a turtle or beetle or something that that can't get off their back. I just sat there till someone came to help me. That one was in slow motion or at least it felt like it. I often tell my friends I fall in the bathroom so much because I pull up my pants with such gusto so I can hurry back and enjoy the good times. I should probably take out some of the excitement in my pottying practices. Then there was the time that my friends and I decided to go to the casino but before we set off on our little adventure, we stopped by the creek to have some drinks. Common sense is not always our strong suit. Anyway, we had to walk down this hill to get there and as we all know, going down a hill isn't nearly as hard as going up the hill. Once we decided we had been there long enough, we set off back up the hill. Now there were two hills, I chose the more difficult one. Needless to say, my efforts were futile. I just could not make it up that hill. I kept sliding down just to get back up and do it again. Finally, a very strong friend of mine, dear sweet Tommy, pulled me up and we headed off. It wasn't until we arrived at the casino that I realized that I looked like I had been rolling around in a dust bowl. When I got out of the vehicle, Tommy beat my like a rug to get the dust off of me. So much dust was flying that I looked like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. That didn't stop me though, I walked in that casino like I was somebody. And I left my mark in the form of a huge pile of dirt at the blackjack table. Take that former Casino Magic now known as Hollywood Casino. And in your face, Tequila, the lady (yes, lady, not liquor) who tried to cut me off. More recently, I was out with some friends and we were literally one foot from the car and I took a tumble. My friend, Debra, said it was the longest fall she'd ever seen. My other friend, Dannielle, said she was sad that she didn't get to see the whole thing. I've fallen down on my porch, in the yard, almost fell in a burning fire pit, on dance floors. There's so many places that I've lost count. When you're a little tipsy and fall down you're not that embarrassed. It's when you're sober and you fall down that the humiliation starts to rain down on you like bulls#%t from a politician.
I have to say that I'm not prejudiced when it comes to falling. I fall down drunk and I fall down sober. As I mentioned above, when you fall as an adult, you have a tendency to get a little embarrassed. Once, against my better judgement, I swept my wood floors with a little Pledge on the broom. First mistake. The second mistake was when I decided to wear socks. As I'm breezing through the dining room into the living room, my foot hit a slick spot and down I went. There was no one there to see me take this spill but there I was, sitting on the ground looking around to make sure no one saw me. I did the same thing when I fell in the shower. I know that I'm by myself but I still feel the need to take a look around to make sure no one witnessed my acts of pure grace. It's when people see you, that's the bad part. I, like my mother before me, have actually tripped going UP the stairs at the post office. I try to leave the handicapped ramp open for the handicapped but apparently I need to use it. There have been several times that I have tripped on the sidewalks but recovered with cat-like agility. I have also been taken on "Little Ole Rides" by my dear friend Dannielle but she's only made me fall once. If she attempts to take you on one of these rides, run, run fast. Out of all my spills, trips and stumbles the worst that sticks out in my mind has to be one that occurred about 15 years ago. I remember the outfit, it was an all black ensemble. Big flowy pants and top made of that wrinkly material that was so popular over a decade ago. I loved it because you never had to iron it. Now when I say "flowy" pants, they had a super wide leg. I literally could have fit three of me in those pants legs. So, I was casually walking to the post office, crossing over East Canal and then it happened. Those damned flowy pants got caught in my shoes and before I knew it I was face down on East Canal Street. God was smiling on me that day because the light hadn't switched yet for me to get hit by crossing traffic but he was laughing at me because I looked like road kill. I can remember these two guys sitting at the light with their window down and I believe their reactions were, "Oh, S%*T lady, are you O.K.?" Once I realized that the light was about to change and I really was going to be road kill, I popped up, dusted myself off and said, "Yes", as I hustled to get out of the oncoming traffic. I think the complete shock of seeing an adult woman kiss the pavement may have shocked those two and that's the reason there was no snickering and for that, I'm grateful. I'm sure as they rode of in the sunset though, the laughfest began and I probably brought alot more laughs to their friends when they told that story. I know I would tell a story like that to my friends.
We all fall in life. Whether that be literally or figuratively. Hell, I just fell down in dance class last week. That's right, I said dance class. The only thing that we can hope for is that when we fall, that the people around us will have as much compassion as those two guys in that car...ask if you're O.K. and hold the hysterical laughter until you're out of earshot.
I come about falling down honestly. My mother falls alot. Back in the 80's, Dolly Parton came out with a fantastic song and movie called "9 to 5". The fashion in this movie was big hair, tight dresses, panty hose and high heels. My mother took this style to heart and wore it to her job as a bookkeeper at a local furniture store. Some of her tasks during the day included walking to the bank and post office. Now as some of you know, the sidewalks in Picayune aren't in the best of shape at the this current time. They were in the same shape 25 years ago. Walking in heels on a very unlevel surface can be tricky for even the most professional of fashionistas but Donna (my mom) did it everyday. I don't know when the first fall happened, maybe going up the steps at the post office, maybe on the slanted sidewalk in front of First National Bank, who knows. All I know is her constant stumbling taught her to keep an extra pair of panty hose and bandaids in her desk drawer. She's lowered the height on the shoes she wears but I, sadly, have inherited the art of falling down.
It all started in a dance recital. There I was, 5 years old, in my white tap shoes, dancing with a candy cane striped stick to Sammy Davis, Jr.'s "The Candy Man". I'm still convinced that song is about drugs but I digress. Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting in a straddle split still holding that candy cane dancing stick. Crying. Lucky for me, the dance teacher's brother took pity on me, walked out on stage and carried me off. That memory still sticks in my mind. Little did I know that I would be making many more memories as an adult than I did as a child.
Not surprisingly, some of my falls happen when adult beverages are involved and usually when I'm in the bathroom. Here are a few of my experiences...One time at a daquairi shop, I fell backwards in the restroom while pulling up my pants. Once the pants were up I got a little off balance. Lucky for me the cinder block wall and my head broke my fall. I came out looking like one of those cartoon characters with birds flying around my head. Another time at my house, I was once again in the ladies' room when I got a little off balance. This time I fell in the tub, taking down the shower curtain with me. There I was, on my back like a turtle or beetle or something that that can't get off their back. I just sat there till someone came to help me. That one was in slow motion or at least it felt like it. I often tell my friends I fall in the bathroom so much because I pull up my pants with such gusto so I can hurry back and enjoy the good times. I should probably take out some of the excitement in my pottying practices. Then there was the time that my friends and I decided to go to the casino but before we set off on our little adventure, we stopped by the creek to have some drinks. Common sense is not always our strong suit. Anyway, we had to walk down this hill to get there and as we all know, going down a hill isn't nearly as hard as going up the hill. Once we decided we had been there long enough, we set off back up the hill. Now there were two hills, I chose the more difficult one. Needless to say, my efforts were futile. I just could not make it up that hill. I kept sliding down just to get back up and do it again. Finally, a very strong friend of mine, dear sweet Tommy, pulled me up and we headed off. It wasn't until we arrived at the casino that I realized that I looked like I had been rolling around in a dust bowl. When I got out of the vehicle, Tommy beat my like a rug to get the dust off of me. So much dust was flying that I looked like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. That didn't stop me though, I walked in that casino like I was somebody. And I left my mark in the form of a huge pile of dirt at the blackjack table. Take that former Casino Magic now known as Hollywood Casino. And in your face, Tequila, the lady (yes, lady, not liquor) who tried to cut me off. More recently, I was out with some friends and we were literally one foot from the car and I took a tumble. My friend, Debra, said it was the longest fall she'd ever seen. My other friend, Dannielle, said she was sad that she didn't get to see the whole thing. I've fallen down on my porch, in the yard, almost fell in a burning fire pit, on dance floors. There's so many places that I've lost count. When you're a little tipsy and fall down you're not that embarrassed. It's when you're sober and you fall down that the humiliation starts to rain down on you like bulls#%t from a politician.
I have to say that I'm not prejudiced when it comes to falling. I fall down drunk and I fall down sober. As I mentioned above, when you fall as an adult, you have a tendency to get a little embarrassed. Once, against my better judgement, I swept my wood floors with a little Pledge on the broom. First mistake. The second mistake was when I decided to wear socks. As I'm breezing through the dining room into the living room, my foot hit a slick spot and down I went. There was no one there to see me take this spill but there I was, sitting on the ground looking around to make sure no one saw me. I did the same thing when I fell in the shower. I know that I'm by myself but I still feel the need to take a look around to make sure no one witnessed my acts of pure grace. It's when people see you, that's the bad part. I, like my mother before me, have actually tripped going UP the stairs at the post office. I try to leave the handicapped ramp open for the handicapped but apparently I need to use it. There have been several times that I have tripped on the sidewalks but recovered with cat-like agility. I have also been taken on "Little Ole Rides" by my dear friend Dannielle but she's only made me fall once. If she attempts to take you on one of these rides, run, run fast. Out of all my spills, trips and stumbles the worst that sticks out in my mind has to be one that occurred about 15 years ago. I remember the outfit, it was an all black ensemble. Big flowy pants and top made of that wrinkly material that was so popular over a decade ago. I loved it because you never had to iron it. Now when I say "flowy" pants, they had a super wide leg. I literally could have fit three of me in those pants legs. So, I was casually walking to the post office, crossing over East Canal and then it happened. Those damned flowy pants got caught in my shoes and before I knew it I was face down on East Canal Street. God was smiling on me that day because the light hadn't switched yet for me to get hit by crossing traffic but he was laughing at me because I looked like road kill. I can remember these two guys sitting at the light with their window down and I believe their reactions were, "Oh, S%*T lady, are you O.K.?" Once I realized that the light was about to change and I really was going to be road kill, I popped up, dusted myself off and said, "Yes", as I hustled to get out of the oncoming traffic. I think the complete shock of seeing an adult woman kiss the pavement may have shocked those two and that's the reason there was no snickering and for that, I'm grateful. I'm sure as they rode of in the sunset though, the laughfest began and I probably brought alot more laughs to their friends when they told that story. I know I would tell a story like that to my friends.
We all fall in life. Whether that be literally or figuratively. Hell, I just fell down in dance class last week. That's right, I said dance class. The only thing that we can hope for is that when we fall, that the people around us will have as much compassion as those two guys in that car...ask if you're O.K. and hold the hysterical laughter until you're out of earshot.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Say What, Bill O'Reilly?
Last week, Bill O'Reilly started a poop storm of controversy when he said America's Sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston, was destructive to society when she said that women are beginning to realize that they don't need to settle with a man to have a baby. I paraphrase that quote so please don't try to correct me if it's not exact. For those of you who fast forward through your commercials on TIVO and don't see the previews for new movies, she was referring to the situation in her new film, "The Switch" where a woman of "only a few eggs left" age goes through the process of artificial insemination. Anyway, he went on a rant about how she's poorly influencing young girls (12 and 13 year olds) and undermining the roll of fathers in today's society. First, I don't know how many tweens can afford artificial insemination. I'm 37 with a full time job and having a hard time doing it. Second, she wasn't telling those listening to her interview that she thinks females around the globe should just go get sperm injections because having a man around is a big hassle. Hell, getting pregnant is 62.3% of the fun (some people say half the fun, I'm shooting a little higher). She was saying quite the opposite, actually. She (Aniston & me for that matter) believes that the ideal situation is a two parent scenario with people of a mature age but that is not always how the cookie crumbles.
I look around at a lot of my friends and acquaintances that are parents and often wonder if they aren't single parents themselves. Please don't think that these next examples of instances I've witnessed are man bashing, I adore men, it's just observations. I see women with full time jobs doing the following things: getting up, making coffee for her and said spouse, cooking breakfast, getting the kids up, ironing the kids' clothes, ironing the spouse's clothes, ironing her clothes, feeding the kids, making sure the homework is done and in the backpack, shoving the kids out the door and bringing them to school (or putting them on the bus), going to work, picking the kids up from school, running them to the 10 gazillion things the have to do (i.e. ball, dancing, piano, gymnastics, etc.) going to the grocery store to buy food for the week to make meals, making the meal, doing homework with the kids, rounding them up to take baths, making sure everything is ready for tomorrow, putting them to bed and finally going to bed herself but not before her husband nudges her to prove that he is, indeed, a sex god then he gets pissy because she's too tired to experience the trip to Blisstown that he's offering her. This may not be everyone's life but I've heard tale of it from a lot of women and if this is the life you've chosen then FANTASTIC but how is doing all that any different from being a single mother? Beside going to Blisstown with a sex god, that is. Now guys, don't think that I don't appreciate what you do but believe me, there are some of you who are living the Life of Riley sitting around with a woman that can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever let you forget you're a man.
It's tough being a mom. Many will tell you THE toughest job on the planet and I firmly believe it. So why would anyone take this job lightly and want to go into it alone? I'll give you a first hand explanation as to why. When I was younger, I never believed that at this point in my life I would still be single and not have children. When you live in the south it's what you do...you get married and start having them babies. It's the circle of life. Thank God for me, that expectation from society is changing so hopefully I don't look like that big of a freak. The thing is, there are no prospects of a feasible spouse or "baby daddy" in my short term future and I'm running short on time. I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands or the squirter of a turkey baster and deal with this situation the best way I know how. Do I think I'll make a good parent? Lord, I hope so. Would I prefer to have a partner to go on this journey with me? 100% yes. Do I have a partner to go on this journey with me? Sadly, no. I've heard different opinions on this subject from all those that I'm close to. Some are 100% for it and will support me no matter what, some think I need to wait it out and see what happens because a kid needs two parents, and some have gone through divorce and recommend the route I'm taking is the easiest because of the simple fact that it is just me and the precious angel. I don't take parenthood lightly and look at those with children as possessing one of the greatest things that God can give and quite frankly, yes, I am jealous. There, I said it. Happy?
So I ask, would you think I'm being "destructive" to society if I become a single parent? Be honest. I'm just like the FOX News Network-Fair and Balanced. Well, not really, but for blogsake let's act as if that were true. Bill O'Reilly thinks that all social mores go out the window when a woman makes this decision. All this coming from a man who was sued for sexual harassment. You tell me, people, what's more destructive: a woman wanting to have a child, one of life's greatest joys or a man who uses his power to have naughty time with underlings in the workplace?
I look around at a lot of my friends and acquaintances that are parents and often wonder if they aren't single parents themselves. Please don't think that these next examples of instances I've witnessed are man bashing, I adore men, it's just observations. I see women with full time jobs doing the following things: getting up, making coffee for her and said spouse, cooking breakfast, getting the kids up, ironing the kids' clothes, ironing the spouse's clothes, ironing her clothes, feeding the kids, making sure the homework is done and in the backpack, shoving the kids out the door and bringing them to school (or putting them on the bus), going to work, picking the kids up from school, running them to the 10 gazillion things the have to do (i.e. ball, dancing, piano, gymnastics, etc.) going to the grocery store to buy food for the week to make meals, making the meal, doing homework with the kids, rounding them up to take baths, making sure everything is ready for tomorrow, putting them to bed and finally going to bed herself but not before her husband nudges her to prove that he is, indeed, a sex god then he gets pissy because she's too tired to experience the trip to Blisstown that he's offering her. This may not be everyone's life but I've heard tale of it from a lot of women and if this is the life you've chosen then FANTASTIC but how is doing all that any different from being a single mother? Beside going to Blisstown with a sex god, that is. Now guys, don't think that I don't appreciate what you do but believe me, there are some of you who are living the Life of Riley sitting around with a woman that can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever let you forget you're a man.
It's tough being a mom. Many will tell you THE toughest job on the planet and I firmly believe it. So why would anyone take this job lightly and want to go into it alone? I'll give you a first hand explanation as to why. When I was younger, I never believed that at this point in my life I would still be single and not have children. When you live in the south it's what you do...you get married and start having them babies. It's the circle of life. Thank God for me, that expectation from society is changing so hopefully I don't look like that big of a freak. The thing is, there are no prospects of a feasible spouse or "baby daddy" in my short term future and I'm running short on time. I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands or the squirter of a turkey baster and deal with this situation the best way I know how. Do I think I'll make a good parent? Lord, I hope so. Would I prefer to have a partner to go on this journey with me? 100% yes. Do I have a partner to go on this journey with me? Sadly, no. I've heard different opinions on this subject from all those that I'm close to. Some are 100% for it and will support me no matter what, some think I need to wait it out and see what happens because a kid needs two parents, and some have gone through divorce and recommend the route I'm taking is the easiest because of the simple fact that it is just me and the precious angel. I don't take parenthood lightly and look at those with children as possessing one of the greatest things that God can give and quite frankly, yes, I am jealous. There, I said it. Happy?
So I ask, would you think I'm being "destructive" to society if I become a single parent? Be honest. I'm just like the FOX News Network-Fair and Balanced. Well, not really, but for blogsake let's act as if that were true. Bill O'Reilly thinks that all social mores go out the window when a woman makes this decision. All this coming from a man who was sued for sexual harassment. You tell me, people, what's more destructive: a woman wanting to have a child, one of life's greatest joys or a man who uses his power to have naughty time with underlings in the workplace?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Hair to the Sky & other viewpoints...: Rainbows and Unicorns
Hair to the Sky & other viewpoints...: Rainbows and Unicorns: "In a perfect world we wouldn't be in a recession, cellulite wouldn't exist and we'd all be sliding down rainbows while drinking unicorn milk..."
Rainbows and Unicorns
In a perfect world we wouldn't be in a recession, cellulite wouldn't exist and we'd all be sliding down rainbows while drinking unicorn milk but that's not the case, now is it? We are in the worst recession our country has seen since the Great Depression (I guess we can call this the Super Depression but I have yet to see what's super about it so I'll come up with another name later), cellulite does, in fact, exist as I'm reminded of it everyday when looking in the mirror, I have yet to come across unicorn milk at the grocery store and rainbows, well, they do exist (I actually saw one this morning) but I haven't eaten my Lucky Charms so I can't slide down one. Daily, I look around and see things that should make me want to run for the mountains, or at least the hills of McNeill, build a shack and become the unibomber but my schedule doesn't allow such luxuries. I'm busy trying to keep a business afloat, find something that resembles romance or at least a random tryst and track down sperm so that I can have a baby before my ovaries release that last sacred egg that will carry on my gene pool. With all of that going on, I really should try to stay focused on the things that make me happy.
A few things that work for me are: (1) friends, (2) being tan and (3) alcohol (more specifically, beer). Sure, there are more things in my life that bring me joy but these are the ones I'm going to focus on right now. Let's start with the first one: friends. I think the T.V. show "Friends" had it right with the number of friends that were in the group. The problem is the guy/girl ratio. When you have that many guys and girls hanging out with each other, it's inevitable that they're going to pair off and have sex. Sure, Chandler and Monica got married and we all know about Ross and Rachel, but in real life that many good looking people don't hang out with each other without a lot of hanky panky going on. It's called friends with benefits, look into it. That's why most (not all) of my close friends are women. (Now, I'm not leaving out my gay friends because they are spectacular, as well. There will be entire blogs dedicated to you.) But as for the girls, we are all straight, so there's no sexual tension; we all know the same people, so there's lots of things to talk about and we have all been friends for more years than I care to recall, so we know each others' deepest darkest secrets. Sure, I've got some really great guy friends sprinkled here and there but I've got about a handful of "girl"friends that I consider my nearest and dearest, a "posse" if you will. These ladies are all different but they all have one thing in common, I love them dearly. They are there for me when I feel the need to kick someone in the teeth but instead I vent to them. They make me laugh with the obnoxiously high levels of immaturity that we reach on the regular basis. And they are just all around wonderfully fantabulous people both in and out (that's right, they all have alibis because they are not U-G-L-Y). My friends are like my family and I'm Italian so that means we're in it for life.
The second thing that makes me happy is shimmering summer tans. The good thing about a suntan is (1) getting it usually involves my other two favorite things (friends and alcohol), (2) tan fat always looks better than white fat and (3) no one will mistake you as a cast member of the Jersey Shore because a real suntan is brown, not pumpkin orange. Show some southern pride and show off that sun-kissed skin. You'll feel better for it and sun is an excellent source of Vitamin D which keeps away rickets.
And last, but certainly not least, is alcohol. In today's pharmaceutical market, there are many drugs out there that claim to aid in reducing our anxiety and I firmly believe there are individuals out there who desperately need these aids. I have decided to stick with something that has worked since 10,000 B.C. - BEER. When I've had a hard day of dealing with, how can I put this tactfully, crapola or I just need an excuse to invite people over for some "play time" (that's right, adults have it too), I just pop open a cold one. It takes the stress away, loosens me up, makes me happy and all my problems of the day just melt away. I don't know who said alcohol is a depressant because I feel pretty darn fantastic when drinking it. If you're not doing it, you should try it. Benjamin Franklin, one of this country's Founding Fathers, has two quotes that I believe we should live by: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" and "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says love your enemy". Ben was a pretty smart guy so I'm gonna have to go with his philosophy on this subject.
So, there you have it. These are a few of the positives that I'll stay focused on to keep me from building that shack and winding up as a pencil sketch on a "Most Wanted" poster. All of these things certainly do bring me joy and there are many others, too, that I will touch on in future ramblings but for right now I'm going to go try to find some of that unicorn milk.
A few things that work for me are: (1) friends, (2) being tan and (3) alcohol (more specifically, beer). Sure, there are more things in my life that bring me joy but these are the ones I'm going to focus on right now. Let's start with the first one: friends. I think the T.V. show "Friends" had it right with the number of friends that were in the group. The problem is the guy/girl ratio. When you have that many guys and girls hanging out with each other, it's inevitable that they're going to pair off and have sex. Sure, Chandler and Monica got married and we all know about Ross and Rachel, but in real life that many good looking people don't hang out with each other without a lot of hanky panky going on. It's called friends with benefits, look into it. That's why most (not all) of my close friends are women. (Now, I'm not leaving out my gay friends because they are spectacular, as well. There will be entire blogs dedicated to you.) But as for the girls, we are all straight, so there's no sexual tension; we all know the same people, so there's lots of things to talk about and we have all been friends for more years than I care to recall, so we know each others' deepest darkest secrets. Sure, I've got some really great guy friends sprinkled here and there but I've got about a handful of "girl"friends that I consider my nearest and dearest, a "posse" if you will. These ladies are all different but they all have one thing in common, I love them dearly. They are there for me when I feel the need to kick someone in the teeth but instead I vent to them. They make me laugh with the obnoxiously high levels of immaturity that we reach on the regular basis. And they are just all around wonderfully fantabulous people both in and out (that's right, they all have alibis because they are not U-G-L-Y). My friends are like my family and I'm Italian so that means we're in it for life.
The second thing that makes me happy is shimmering summer tans. The good thing about a suntan is (1) getting it usually involves my other two favorite things (friends and alcohol), (2) tan fat always looks better than white fat and (3) no one will mistake you as a cast member of the Jersey Shore because a real suntan is brown, not pumpkin orange. Show some southern pride and show off that sun-kissed skin. You'll feel better for it and sun is an excellent source of Vitamin D which keeps away rickets.
And last, but certainly not least, is alcohol. In today's pharmaceutical market, there are many drugs out there that claim to aid in reducing our anxiety and I firmly believe there are individuals out there who desperately need these aids. I have decided to stick with something that has worked since 10,000 B.C. - BEER. When I've had a hard day of dealing with, how can I put this tactfully, crapola or I just need an excuse to invite people over for some "play time" (that's right, adults have it too), I just pop open a cold one. It takes the stress away, loosens me up, makes me happy and all my problems of the day just melt away. I don't know who said alcohol is a depressant because I feel pretty darn fantastic when drinking it. If you're not doing it, you should try it. Benjamin Franklin, one of this country's Founding Fathers, has two quotes that I believe we should live by: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" and "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says love your enemy". Ben was a pretty smart guy so I'm gonna have to go with his philosophy on this subject.
So, there you have it. These are a few of the positives that I'll stay focused on to keep me from building that shack and winding up as a pencil sketch on a "Most Wanted" poster. All of these things certainly do bring me joy and there are many others, too, that I will touch on in future ramblings but for right now I'm going to go try to find some of that unicorn milk.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Please allow me to introduce myself...
I know, I know, there are alot of people out there giving their opinions on life, love, politics, religion and any other thing that they think someone actually cares to hear about. And we all know what opinions are like...they're like opinions, everybody's got one. Here's what you need to know about me...my name is Nickie Smith. I was born and raised in a small town in south Mississippi, we'll get more into that later, and I'm on the backside of my 30's but hopefully not the shortside of time (see lyrics to song by classic country singer John Conlee). I have never been married nor do I have children but I have many opinions on both subjects along with the many things that I experience while running my family's business and being a liver of life.
Now you may say, "Nickie, who the hell cares what you think?" and to that I say, "Pipe down, sassypants, nobody's taping your eyes open and forcing you to read this." Things that I'll be touching on are: "What would make you think that outfit is appropriate in public?"; "No, your child is not the bright shining star that you think he/she is. They're just average."; "Just because I criticize the President doesn't make me a racist."; "Dear Alcohol, look what you made me do..." (I have LOTS of experience with that one); and the ever popular, "Men, WTF?" and even "Women, WTF?" because we can be rather complicated creatures and I'm an equal opportunity opinionist.
I know I'm a little late in the game getting in on this blog thing, but I hope you'll join me. I'm not sure how often I'll write, it just depends on when the mood strikes or when something catches my ever-roving eye but hopefully it will bring you some sort of entertainment since it's obvious my lifelong dream to become a movie star hasn't quite come to fruition.
Now you may say, "Nickie, who the hell cares what you think?" and to that I say, "Pipe down, sassypants, nobody's taping your eyes open and forcing you to read this." Things that I'll be touching on are: "What would make you think that outfit is appropriate in public?"; "No, your child is not the bright shining star that you think he/she is. They're just average."; "Just because I criticize the President doesn't make me a racist."; "Dear Alcohol, look what you made me do..." (I have LOTS of experience with that one); and the ever popular, "Men, WTF?" and even "Women, WTF?" because we can be rather complicated creatures and I'm an equal opportunity opinionist.
I know I'm a little late in the game getting in on this blog thing, but I hope you'll join me. I'm not sure how often I'll write, it just depends on when the mood strikes or when something catches my ever-roving eye but hopefully it will bring you some sort of entertainment since it's obvious my lifelong dream to become a movie star hasn't quite come to fruition.
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