I didn't fall down...I was attacking the ground.

I'm not gonna take credit for that title.  I saw it on Facebook and it reminded me of how I have a knack for losing my balance and eventually ending up on the ground.  And I'm also writing this for my friend, Dannielle, because she loves to see me fall and even initiates the falling.  As children, falling down is no biggy.  We fall, we scrape our knees, some adult puts something that burns like hell on it and we run along and play.  There's no embarrassment or the threat of a broken hip.  We were kids.  We had alot more to concern ourselves with than the slow kid in the herd that slowed the pack down by falling down all the time.  Now, we have the show Wipe Out and Youtube videos that are a constant stream of adults falling down and getting hurt and there's me laughing at their pain.  I guess I can laugh at it because it's happened to me so many times.  Here's a bit of my stumbling history for your enjoyment...

I come about falling down honestly.  My mother falls alot.  Back in the 80's, Dolly Parton came out with a fantastic song and movie called "9 to 5".  The fashion in this movie was big hair, tight dresses, panty hose and high heels.  My mother took this style to heart and wore it to her job as a bookkeeper at a local furniture store.  Some of her tasks during the day included walking to the bank and post office.  Now as some of you know, the sidewalks in Picayune aren't in the best of shape at the this current time.  They were in the same shape 25 years ago.  Walking in heels on a very unlevel surface can be tricky for even the most professional of fashionistas but Donna (my mom) did it everyday.  I don't know when the first fall happened, maybe going up the steps at the post office, maybe on the slanted sidewalk in front of First National Bank, who knows.  All I know is her constant stumbling taught her to keep an extra pair of panty hose and bandaids in her desk drawer.  She's lowered the height on the shoes she wears but I, sadly, have inherited the art of falling down.

It all started in a dance recital.  There I was, 5 years old, in my white tap shoes, dancing with a candy cane striped stick to Sammy Davis, Jr.'s "The Candy Man".  I'm still convinced that song is about drugs but I digress.  Before I knew what was happening, I was sitting in a straddle split still holding that candy cane dancing stick.  Crying.  Lucky for me, the dance teacher's brother took pity on me, walked out on stage and carried me off.  That memory still sticks in my mind.  Little did I know that I would be making many more memories as an adult than I did as a child.

Not surprisingly, some of my falls happen when adult beverages are involved and usually when I'm in the bathroom.  Here are a few of my experiences...One time at a daquairi shop, I fell backwards in the restroom while pulling up my pants.  Once the pants were up I got a little off balance.  Lucky for me the cinder block wall and my head broke my fall.  I came out looking like one of those cartoon characters with birds flying around my head.  Another time at my house, I was once again in the ladies' room when I got a little off balance.  This time I fell in the tub, taking down the shower curtain with me.  There I was, on my back like a turtle or beetle or something that that can't get off their back.  I just sat there till someone came to help me.  That one was in slow motion or at least it felt like it.  I often tell my friends I fall in the bathroom so much because I pull up my pants with such gusto so I can hurry back and enjoy the good times.  I should probably take out some of the excitement in my pottying practices.  Then there was the time that my friends and I decided to go to the casino but before we set off on our little adventure, we stopped by the creek to have some drinks.  Common sense is not always our strong suit.  Anyway, we had to walk down this hill to get there and as we all know, going down a hill isn't nearly as hard as going up the hill.  Once we decided we had been there long enough, we set off back up the hill.  Now there were two hills, I chose the more difficult one.  Needless to say, my efforts were futile.  I just could not make it up that hill.  I kept sliding down just to get back up and do it again.  Finally, a very strong friend of mine, dear sweet Tommy, pulled me up and we headed off.  It wasn't until we arrived at the casino that I realized that I looked like I had been rolling around in a dust bowl.  When I got out of the vehicle, Tommy beat my like a rug to get the dust off of me.  So much dust was flying that I looked like Pigpen from Charlie Brown.  That didn't stop me though, I walked in that casino like I was somebody.  And I left my mark in the form of a huge pile of dirt at the blackjack table.  Take that former Casino Magic now known as Hollywood Casino.  And in your face, Tequila, the lady (yes, lady, not liquor) who tried to cut me off.  More recently, I was out with some friends and we were literally one foot from the car and I took a tumble.  My friend, Debra, said it was the longest fall she'd ever seen.  My other friend, Dannielle, said she was sad that she didn't get to see the whole thing.  I've fallen down on my porch, in the yard, almost fell in a burning fire pit, on dance floors.  There's so many places that I've lost count.  When you're a little tipsy and fall down you're not that embarrassed.  It's when you're sober and you fall down that the humiliation starts to rain down on you like bulls#%t from a politician.

I have to say that I'm not prejudiced when it comes to falling.  I fall down drunk and I fall down sober.  As I mentioned above, when you fall as an adult, you have a tendency to get a little embarrassed.  Once, against my better judgement, I swept my wood floors with a little Pledge on the broom.  First mistake.  The second mistake was when I decided to wear socks.  As I'm breezing through the dining room into the living room, my foot hit a slick spot and down I went.  There was no one there to see me take this spill but there I was, sitting on the ground looking around to make sure no one saw me.  I did the same thing when I fell in the shower.  I know that I'm by myself but I still feel the need to take a look around to make sure no one witnessed my acts of pure grace.  It's when people see you, that's the bad part.  I, like my mother before me, have actually tripped going UP the stairs at the post office.  I try to leave the handicapped ramp open for the handicapped but apparently I need to use it.  There have been several times that I have tripped on the sidewalks but recovered with cat-like agility.  I have also been taken on "Little Ole Rides" by my dear friend Dannielle but she's only made me fall once.  If she attempts to take you on one of these rides, run, run fast.  Out of all my spills, trips and stumbles the worst that sticks out in my mind has to be one that occurred about 15 years ago.  I remember the outfit, it was an all black ensemble.  Big flowy pants and top made of that wrinkly material that was so popular over a decade ago.  I loved it because you never had to iron it.  Now when I say "flowy" pants, they had a super wide leg.  I literally could have fit three of me in those pants legs.  So, I was casually walking to the post office, crossing over East Canal and then it happened.  Those damned flowy pants got caught in my shoes and before I knew it I was face down on East Canal Street.  God was smiling on me that day because the light hadn't switched yet for me to get hit by crossing traffic but he was laughing at me because I looked like road kill.  I can remember these two guys sitting at the light with their window down and I believe their reactions were, "Oh, S%*T lady, are you O.K.?"  Once I realized that the light was about to change and I really was going to be road kill, I popped up, dusted myself off and said, "Yes", as I hustled to get out of the oncoming traffic.  I think the complete shock of seeing an adult woman kiss the pavement may have shocked those two and that's the reason there was no snickering and for that, I'm grateful.  I'm sure as they rode of in the sunset though, the laughfest began and I probably brought alot more laughs to their friends when they told that story.  I know I would tell a story like that to my friends.

We all fall in life.  Whether that be literally or figuratively.  Hell, I just fell down in dance class last week.  That's right, I said dance class.  The only thing that we can hope for is that when we fall, that the people around us will have as much compassion as those two guys in that car...ask if you're O.K. and hold the hysterical laughter until you're out of earshot.

Say What, Bill O'Reilly?

Last week, Bill O'Reilly started a poop storm of controversy when he said America's Sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston, was destructive to society when she said that women are beginning to realize that they don't need to settle with a man to have a baby.  I paraphrase that quote so please don't try to correct me if it's not exact.  For those of you who fast forward through your commercials on TIVO and don't see the previews for new movies, she was referring to the situation in her new film, "The Switch" where a woman of "only a few eggs left" age goes through the process of artificial insemination.  Anyway, he went on a rant about how she's poorly influencing young girls (12 and 13 year olds) and undermining the roll of fathers in today's society.  First, I don't know how many tweens can afford artificial insemination.  I'm 37 with a full time job and having a hard time doing it.  Second, she wasn't telling those listening to her interview that she thinks females around the globe should just go get sperm injections because having a man around is a big hassle.  Hell, getting pregnant is 62.3% of the fun (some people say half the fun, I'm shooting a little higher).  She was saying quite the opposite, actually.  She (Aniston & me for that matter) believes that the ideal situation is a two parent scenario with people of a mature age but that is not always how the cookie crumbles.

I look around at a lot of my friends and acquaintances that are parents and often wonder if they aren't single parents themselves.  Please don't think that these next examples of instances I've witnessed are man bashing, I adore men, it's just observations.  I see women with full time jobs doing the following things:  getting up, making coffee for her and said spouse, cooking breakfast, getting the kids up, ironing the kids' clothes, ironing the spouse's clothes, ironing her clothes, feeding the kids, making sure the homework is done and in the backpack, shoving the kids out the door and bringing them to school (or putting them on the bus), going to work, picking the kids up from school, running them to the 10 gazillion things the have to do (i.e. ball, dancing, piano, gymnastics, etc.) going to the grocery store to buy food for the week to make meals, making the meal, doing homework with the kids, rounding them up to take baths, making sure everything is ready for tomorrow, putting them to bed and finally going to bed herself but not before her husband nudges her to prove that he is, indeed, a sex god then he gets pissy because she's too tired to experience the trip to Blisstown that he's offering her.  This may not be everyone's life but I've heard tale of it from a lot of women and if this is the life you've chosen then FANTASTIC but how is doing all that any different from being a single mother?  Beside going to Blisstown with a sex god, that is.  Now guys, don't think that I don't appreciate what you do but believe me, there are some of you who are living the Life of Riley sitting around with a woman that can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever let you forget you're a man.

It's tough being a mom.  Many will tell you THE toughest job on the planet and I firmly believe it.  So why would anyone take this job lightly and want to go into it alone?  I'll give you a first hand explanation as to why.  When I was younger, I never believed that at this point in my life I would still be single and not have children.  When you live in the south it's what you do...you get married and start having them babies.  It's the circle of life.  Thank God for me, that expectation from society is changing so hopefully I don't look like that big of a freak.  The thing is, there are no prospects of a feasible spouse or "baby daddy" in my short term future and I'm running short on time.  I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands or the squirter of a turkey baster and deal with this situation the best way I know how.  Do I think I'll make a good parent?  Lord, I hope so.  Would I prefer to have a partner to go on this journey with me?  100% yes.  Do I have a partner to go on this journey with me?  Sadly, no.  I've heard different opinions on this subject from all those that I'm close to.  Some are 100% for it and will support me no matter what, some think I need to wait it out and see what happens because a kid needs two parents, and some have gone through divorce and recommend the route I'm taking is the easiest because of the simple fact that it is just me and the precious angel.  I don't take parenthood lightly and look at those with children as possessing one of the greatest things that God can give and quite frankly, yes, I am jealous.  There, I said it.  Happy?

So I ask, would you think I'm being "destructive" to society if I become a single parent?  Be honest.  I'm just like the FOX News Network-Fair and Balanced.  Well, not really, but for blogsake let's act as if that were true.  Bill O'Reilly thinks that all social mores go out the window when a woman makes this decision.  All this coming from a man who was sued for sexual harassment.  You tell me, people, what's more destructive:  a woman wanting to have a child, one of life's greatest joys or a man who uses his power to have naughty time with underlings in the workplace?

Hair to the Sky & other viewpoints...: Rainbows and Unicorns

Hair to the Sky & other viewpoints...: Rainbows and Unicorns: "In a perfect world we wouldn't be in a recession, cellulite wouldn't exist and we'd all be sliding down rainbows while drinking unicorn milk..."

Rainbows and Unicorns

In a perfect world we wouldn't be in a recession, cellulite wouldn't exist and we'd all be sliding down rainbows while drinking unicorn milk but that's not the case, now is it?  We are in the worst recession our country has seen since the Great Depression (I guess we can call this the Super Depression but I have yet to see what's super about it so I'll come up with another name later), cellulite does, in fact, exist as I'm reminded of it everyday when looking in the mirror, I have yet to come across unicorn milk at the grocery store and rainbows, well, they do exist (I actually saw one this morning) but I haven't eaten my Lucky Charms so I can't slide down one.  Daily, I look around and see things that should make me want to run for the mountains, or at least the hills of McNeill, build a shack and become the unibomber but my schedule doesn't allow such luxuries.  I'm busy trying to keep a business afloat, find something that resembles romance or at least a random tryst and track down sperm so that I can have a baby before my ovaries release that last sacred egg that will carry on my gene pool.  With all of that going on, I really should try to stay focused on the things that make me happy.

A few things that work for me are: (1) friends, (2) being tan and (3) alcohol (more specifically, beer).  Sure, there are more things in my life that bring me joy but these are the ones I'm going to focus on right now.  Let's start with the first one: friends.  I think the T.V. show "Friends" had it right with the number of friends that were in the group.  The problem is the guy/girl ratio.  When you have that many guys and girls hanging out with each other, it's inevitable that they're going to pair off and have sex.  Sure, Chandler and Monica got married and we all know about Ross and Rachel, but in real life that many good looking people don't hang out with each other without a lot of hanky panky going on.  It's called friends with benefits, look into it.  That's why most (not all) of my close friends are women.  (Now, I'm not leaving out my gay friends because they are spectacular, as well.  There will be entire blogs dedicated to you.)  But as for the girls, we are all straight, so there's no sexual tension; we all know the same people, so there's lots of things to talk about and we have all been friends for more years than I care to recall, so we know each others' deepest darkest secrets.  Sure, I've got some really great guy friends sprinkled here and there but I've got about a handful of "girl"friends that I consider my nearest and dearest, a "posse" if you will.  These ladies are all different but they all have one thing in common, I love them dearly.  They are there for me when I feel the need to kick someone in the teeth but instead I vent to them.  They make me laugh with the obnoxiously high levels of immaturity that we reach on the regular basis.  And they are just all around wonderfully fantabulous people both in and out (that's right, they all have alibis because they are not U-G-L-Y). My friends are like my family and I'm Italian so that means we're in it for life.

The second thing that makes me happy is shimmering summer tans.  The good thing about a suntan is (1) getting it usually involves my other two favorite things (friends and alcohol), (2) tan fat always looks better than white fat and (3) no one will mistake you as a cast member of the Jersey Shore because a real suntan is brown, not pumpkin orange.  Show some southern pride and show off that sun-kissed skin.  You'll feel better for it and sun is an excellent source of Vitamin D which keeps away rickets.

And last, but certainly not least, is alcohol.  In today's pharmaceutical market, there are many drugs out there that claim to aid in reducing our anxiety and I firmly believe there are individuals out there who desperately need these aids.  I have decided to stick with something that has worked since 10,000 B.C. - BEER.  When I've had a hard day of dealing with, how can I put this tactfully, crapola or I just need an excuse to invite people over for some "play time" (that's right, adults have it too), I just pop open a cold one.  It takes the stress away, loosens me up, makes me happy and all my problems of the day just melt away.  I don't know who said alcohol is a depressant because I feel pretty darn fantastic when drinking it.  If you're not doing it, you should try it.  Benjamin Franklin, one of this country's Founding Fathers, has two quotes that I believe we should live by: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" and "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says love your enemy".  Ben was a pretty smart guy so I'm gonna have to go with his philosophy on this subject.

So, there you have it.  These are a few of the positives that I'll stay focused on to keep me from building that shack and winding up as a pencil sketch on a "Most Wanted"  poster.  All of these things certainly do bring me joy and there are many others, too, that I will touch on in future ramblings but for right now I'm going to go try to find some of that unicorn milk.

Please allow me to introduce myself...

I know, I know, there are alot of people out there giving their opinions on life, love, politics, religion and any other thing that they think someone actually cares to hear about.  And we all know what opinions are like...they're like opinions, everybody's got one.  Here's what you need to know about me...my name is Nickie Smith.  I was born and raised in a small town in south Mississippi, we'll get more into that later, and I'm on the backside of my 30's but hopefully not the shortside of time (see lyrics to song by classic country singer John Conlee).  I have never been married nor do I have children but I have many opinions on both subjects along with the many things that I experience while running my family's business and being a liver of life.

Now you may say, "Nickie, who the hell cares what you think?" and to that I say, "Pipe down, sassypants, nobody's taping your eyes open and forcing you to read this."  Things that I'll be touching on are: "What would make you think that outfit is appropriate in public?"; "No, your child is not the bright shining star that you think he/she is.  They're just average."; "Just because I criticize the President doesn't make me a racist."; "Dear Alcohol, look what you made me do..." (I have LOTS of experience with that one); and the ever popular, "Men, WTF?" and even "Women, WTF?" because we can be rather complicated creatures and I'm an equal opportunity opinionist.

I know I'm a little late in the game getting in on this blog thing, but I hope you'll join me.  I'm not sure how often I'll write, it just depends on when the mood strikes or when something  catches my ever-roving eye but hopefully it will bring you some sort of entertainment since it's obvious my lifelong dream to become a movie star hasn't quite come to fruition.